Life's lessons
When I was in Sunday school many years ago, I got to know a guy who irritated the hell out of me the first instant I laid eyes on him. Now, you may think it bizarre, quite an embellishment of facts, even. I mean, me? Sunday school? Haha. But it's true. If there's one thing I don't do, it's lie in my blog. Now, back to this guy.
He had a turnip for a head, his glasses were way oversized, and he spoke with a nasally tone that really just made me want to tear up my underwear in a rage. But for some reason I could not fathom, he was popular with the rest of the class, especially the girls. Okay, so maybe I was the new kid and the others had the advantage of a year's time for bonding. Sunday schools have a way of doing that to you. But still, how could the others stand him, I thought. Yes, especially the girls.
Well, how wrong I was, as this little anecdote turns out. He had a heart of gold, this guy. He found all your jokes, even the flat ones, genuinely funny. He always saw the good points in you, and somehow were blind to your flaws. If I make him sound like a really smart terrier, forgive me, it's not my intention to do so. But that's what he was - every man's best friend. And the traits that annoyed me earlier gradually became the very ones which endeared him to me - as neurotic as it sounds, his irritating habits actually rendered him more...harmless.
Life's dramas usually happen when there's an appreciative audience, but the lesson this guy taught me was quietly profound. It is simply this: with people, assume nothing.
A lesson that, I am quick to add, I have not dilligently observed.
But how wonderful it would be, for two complete strangers to meet, introductions exchanged, drinks ordered, and a mutual agreement sealed with a shake of hands - one that simply states: "I do not know you, but I am willing to. And I will assume nothing about you. Even if your face vaguely reminds me of someone else. Or if your voice hits the wrong note deep within my subconscious, I will not hold that up against you. Or if your mannerisms, your accent, or anything about you somehow conjures up a preconceived idea, good or bad, I owe you as much as a blank canvas on which to make a whole new impression."
Yes, a handshake says all that adequately. You don't actually have to recite the whole thing.
Impressions can go either way, but each equally misleading. Sometimes you can be so taken in with a person's charm, only to find out later he's a real asshole. That would be Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones' Diary. But mostly, it's the negative ones that rob us of opportunities to experience the inner beauty of people. I read somewhere that we make up our minds about people so quickly because of the way our brains work subconsciously - we create patterns, assign them to schema or categories, and thus, are able to function effectively with the storm of stimuli input every second of our waking lives. But this evolutionary function has its drawbacks under certain circumstances when we should manually process the incoming stimuli, and not leave assumptions to be made on autopilot.
For instance, if you've read thus far, you'd be under the impression that this post would lead up to a point of sorts, or some key to help you discover a startling truth. Alas, you assumed something of me, and now you're dissappointed. Or not.
Oh, but wait. One last anecdote, if I may.
Imagine I was the perfect gentleman. I meet a girl, we became a couple, I had my fun, we broke up, and I move on, without a bitter bone in my body.
Or imagine I was a dysfunctional guy. I meet a girl, we became a couple, we had fun, we broke up, but I don't move on, bitter at the unfairness of it all.
You might assume I'd ask which one of the two I most identify with, and I'd assume you'd answer C: neither. Because you're too smart for this simple test. Or the smarter one might say D: both. The true genuius may even answer E: It depends.
But the truth is, the answer is F for "It's too Fucking complicated".
I did meet a girl. We did go out and broke up eventually. And I did want to be both. I wanted to be the gentleman who bows out graciously, earning respect for his dignified manner. I also wanted to be the scumbag calling her an easy fuck, earning disdain for his childish display of bitterness. But don't judge yet. Look closer.
The gentleman charmer who hops from one girl to the next, only to fulfill his sexual desires. He is liked by many, but he has no feelings for anyone.
The scumbag nobody respects, who is bitter over a love gone bad. He hits out at the world, simply because he's hurting.
Not so black, not so white, after all, eh? I don't quite know which shade fits the bill, I'm still trying to find my way. I only know that, in discovering myself, I must assume nothing.
He had a turnip for a head, his glasses were way oversized, and he spoke with a nasally tone that really just made me want to tear up my underwear in a rage. But for some reason I could not fathom, he was popular with the rest of the class, especially the girls. Okay, so maybe I was the new kid and the others had the advantage of a year's time for bonding. Sunday schools have a way of doing that to you. But still, how could the others stand him, I thought. Yes, especially the girls.
Well, how wrong I was, as this little anecdote turns out. He had a heart of gold, this guy. He found all your jokes, even the flat ones, genuinely funny. He always saw the good points in you, and somehow were blind to your flaws. If I make him sound like a really smart terrier, forgive me, it's not my intention to do so. But that's what he was - every man's best friend. And the traits that annoyed me earlier gradually became the very ones which endeared him to me - as neurotic as it sounds, his irritating habits actually rendered him more...harmless.
Life's dramas usually happen when there's an appreciative audience, but the lesson this guy taught me was quietly profound. It is simply this: with people, assume nothing.
A lesson that, I am quick to add, I have not dilligently observed.
But how wonderful it would be, for two complete strangers to meet, introductions exchanged, drinks ordered, and a mutual agreement sealed with a shake of hands - one that simply states: "I do not know you, but I am willing to. And I will assume nothing about you. Even if your face vaguely reminds me of someone else. Or if your voice hits the wrong note deep within my subconscious, I will not hold that up against you. Or if your mannerisms, your accent, or anything about you somehow conjures up a preconceived idea, good or bad, I owe you as much as a blank canvas on which to make a whole new impression."
Yes, a handshake says all that adequately. You don't actually have to recite the whole thing.
Impressions can go either way, but each equally misleading. Sometimes you can be so taken in with a person's charm, only to find out later he's a real asshole. That would be Hugh Grant in Bridget Jones' Diary. But mostly, it's the negative ones that rob us of opportunities to experience the inner beauty of people. I read somewhere that we make up our minds about people so quickly because of the way our brains work subconsciously - we create patterns, assign them to schema or categories, and thus, are able to function effectively with the storm of stimuli input every second of our waking lives. But this evolutionary function has its drawbacks under certain circumstances when we should manually process the incoming stimuli, and not leave assumptions to be made on autopilot.
For instance, if you've read thus far, you'd be under the impression that this post would lead up to a point of sorts, or some key to help you discover a startling truth. Alas, you assumed something of me, and now you're dissappointed. Or not.
Oh, but wait. One last anecdote, if I may.
Imagine I was the perfect gentleman. I meet a girl, we became a couple, I had my fun, we broke up, and I move on, without a bitter bone in my body.
Or imagine I was a dysfunctional guy. I meet a girl, we became a couple, we had fun, we broke up, but I don't move on, bitter at the unfairness of it all.
You might assume I'd ask which one of the two I most identify with, and I'd assume you'd answer C: neither. Because you're too smart for this simple test. Or the smarter one might say D: both. The true genuius may even answer E: It depends.
But the truth is, the answer is F for "It's too Fucking complicated".
I did meet a girl. We did go out and broke up eventually. And I did want to be both. I wanted to be the gentleman who bows out graciously, earning respect for his dignified manner. I also wanted to be the scumbag calling her an easy fuck, earning disdain for his childish display of bitterness. But don't judge yet. Look closer.
The gentleman charmer who hops from one girl to the next, only to fulfill his sexual desires. He is liked by many, but he has no feelings for anyone.
The scumbag nobody respects, who is bitter over a love gone bad. He hits out at the world, simply because he's hurting.
Not so black, not so white, after all, eh? I don't quite know which shade fits the bill, I'm still trying to find my way. I only know that, in discovering myself, I must assume nothing.
posted by caffeinated at 6:53 PM
4 Comments:
i have the opposite approach. i assume everything is true, unless proven otherwise. it leads to the same effect, except that you can actually be genuinely interested in other people that way.
I pick G: a perfect gentleman wouldn't break up with the girl.
I'm being a smart ass.
That's a good point quick.
alynna: it's F. accept it. :)
hey,
it's a definite F - F**king complicated & Futile.
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