About nothing
We like to romanticize the past, filtering out the bad memories and keeping close to our hearts only the good times. Things somehow always seemed better before.
This is detrimental when you're trying to move on from a broken heart. Just when I thought I was over her, certain things trigger the memories - walking hand in hand to the shops, eating dinner in hotel rooms, being close to each other on holiday. I was happy - neurotically happy.
But I force myself to also remember the bad memories. Because that is the only way I can move on. You know, the many little things that irked me, but it was too insignificant at that time so I just let them slide. How she'd stare at others. The things she'll say. Her vulgarity. How easy she is.
"What did you mean by that?" "Why did you do that?" "Why did you say that?" "What are you trying to prove?"
Nothing. It's nothing. So I left it at that. Time to pull out all those "nothings" filed away in some dusty corner of my brain. And think objectively. Would it have worked out?
Maybe. Would I have been happy? Honestly, I think it'd have been a long shot. Too many "nothings" can't simply disappear. There will be an accounting one day.
To be fair, I have an equal, if not more, share of faults, but now's not the time to review them. They're more for me to learn and grow so I don't screw up next time.
You would think dredging up sour memories would make me bitter, but it's more to counterbalance the romanticized memories, so I end up feeling...neutral. And this helps me think without the interference of emotions.
I don't want to be neurotically happy. I don't want to need someone else. But is there such a thing as pure unselfish love? Or am I just putting love on a pedestal?
This is detrimental when you're trying to move on from a broken heart. Just when I thought I was over her, certain things trigger the memories - walking hand in hand to the shops, eating dinner in hotel rooms, being close to each other on holiday. I was happy - neurotically happy.
But I force myself to also remember the bad memories. Because that is the only way I can move on. You know, the many little things that irked me, but it was too insignificant at that time so I just let them slide. How she'd stare at others. The things she'll say. Her vulgarity. How easy she is.
"What did you mean by that?" "Why did you do that?" "Why did you say that?" "What are you trying to prove?"
Nothing. It's nothing. So I left it at that. Time to pull out all those "nothings" filed away in some dusty corner of my brain. And think objectively. Would it have worked out?
Maybe. Would I have been happy? Honestly, I think it'd have been a long shot. Too many "nothings" can't simply disappear. There will be an accounting one day.
To be fair, I have an equal, if not more, share of faults, but now's not the time to review them. They're more for me to learn and grow so I don't screw up next time.
You would think dredging up sour memories would make me bitter, but it's more to counterbalance the romanticized memories, so I end up feeling...neutral. And this helps me think without the interference of emotions.
I don't want to be neurotically happy. I don't want to need someone else. But is there such a thing as pure unselfish love? Or am I just putting love on a pedestal?
posted by caffeinated at 6:55 PM
4 Comments:
I understand how you feel. I have to replay the BAD memory in my mind again and again to force myself to forget about him. But good memory always creeps in. When I was snorkeling, I will remember how he used to hold my hand and swim by my side. It's very painful. Same fish, same corals, same place but people have changed and things have become different. We just need to learn how to let go. :)
there is such a thing as a pure unselfish love, but even that comes at a price. question is, how much are you willing to pay? it's a lifetime installment thing,you know.
You gotta believe it's out there... you gotta believe that we're better than that... we probably aren't (cos the guy up there has a wicked sense of humor most of the time)... but a lil delusion never killed anybody... you just wake up in the hospital and realise... that you're paralised - You know what I'm talkin 'bout Rabbit...
Has anyone ever told you you reminisce/reflect on the past a lot?
Move on. You're going to miss the next train that comes along.. :)
Did I mention that I tagged you? Hehe. Well, I did. ;)
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